Pettitte, You And Your Crab Eyes Can SUCK IT!!

We'll miss you Dorothy

R.I.P Bea Arthur

May 13th 1922 ~ April 25th 2009

Congratulations Vicky. Point well scored. 

4/20

Happy 4/20, Pot Heads and Experimenters Alike.

A Tree Grows In Bronchlyn

So, some doctors in Russia say that this dude has a tree growing in his lungs. They claim that he inhaled a seed, the thing germinated and started to grow in his lungs. The picture shows that it is a little green sapling. Yeah Right!

Let's go over some basic ecology: 

Have any of you ever had white asparagus? Do any of you know why it is white? It's because it is grown in the dark. Guess what, plants are green because they need sunlight to produce chlorophyl (which is what makes them green). Guess what isn't inside your lungs. Sunlight. And that's after it has broken out of the ground, I'm not even going to get into the water and nutrients that it needs to germinate. 

Give me a break Russian "Doctors". If you guys are correct and not just trying to get in the news then we need to warn the world that M. Night Shyamalan is right. Plants have evolved and are trying to kill us off. 

Who Wants Some Feta?

As my rommate, Jenni, and I were sitting out in our backyard during the first beautiful day of the season, we noticed this gem sitting under a tree. Who needs this much cheese!?

This Bitch Shoplifted

Have any of you ever seen a commercial that made you NOT buy the product? I have. I absolutely HATE this Dannon Yogurt commercial. It actually makes me want to punch this girl. I mean, hello, she's stealing! The sound is gross and the way she touches her mouth at the end just really gets to me. And please, her face would be dripping with yogurt! I used to buy this yogurt all the time, and this commercial has actually made me not want to buy it.

Is this too strong of a response to a commercial? I can't wait until I don't watch daytime tv anymore.

 

Carolina Sphinx

For those of you who watch The Soup you probably saw them talking about Isabella Rossellini's project, Green Porn. It is a series of very short films talking about how animals and bugs have sex. It really makes you pause and think to yourself....am I awake? 

Go here to watch all 10 episodes. I particularly like Whales and Snails. 

Also fun, click on the link to get your green porno name. You can call me Carolina Sphinx. 

An Easter and Passover Gift

"Easter Bunny"

You may ask yourself, what kind of gift can I possibly give in a blog for these Holy of Holy holidays? This gift is, I'd say, greater even than an easter basket full of peeps and Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs!

I give you the gift of guilt free sex and masturbation! (very handy especially if you are Catholic or Jewish)

WHAT?! you say?  How can I possibly do this? Well, as I was watching a documentary on the History Channel about the bible, I did some research and I came across this amazing/hilarious website. It gives arguments using bible quotes about why masturbation, anal sex and even fisting (what?!) is sanctioned, even encouraged by God himself. 

So if any of you out there have a vibrator still in the package that you got in a bridal shower goody bag, feel free to break it out and give it a go, completely sin free. Just don't forget to "say a prayer of gratitude, thanking the Lord for our bodies, for sexual pleasure, and for masturbation as a means of experiencing the bliss of orgasm"

Happy Easter!!

I Heart John Stewart

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
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Attention Jews

Fear not my Kosher friends. You too can join in a little lick-shoot-and-suck with your Mexican buddies (and others wanting an excuse to drink tequila on a sunday afternoon) this Cinco De Mayo with this brand new KOSHER TEQUILA!

L'Chaim!!!

I'm In Love With The Seahorses

So, here is the story as I understand it. (this may be inaccurate because i don't actually know the guys who made this video):

Some dudes decide to take acid and see how hilarious they are. They left one dude in a room by himself, pressed record and let the hilarity ensue. Here is that audio as represented by an animated lizard. 

p.s. Liam Lynch was one of the creators of The Sifl and Olly Show, that's why this is so hilarious.

Nice Headgear

Thank you Huffington Post for this unintentionally hilarious picture of Rod Blegojevich. 

OH SNAP!!! *Baby Baby Daddy: UPDATE*

This just in......

It turns out that poor little new Dad Alfie, is NOT the Baby Daddy afterall!

Scandal hit news rags across the pond today when it was revealed that DNA tests showed a negative result. Apparently, the little 15 year old Mom slutted it up all over the place, sleeping with a reported half a dozen boys at school (not at the same time I hope...gross, sorry). It isn't really that surprising though, considering that the girl's own mother was the one with the idea to tell Alfie that she was still a virgin, and always faithful to him. That's a class act family, huh?

At this point, I'm not even sure if Alfie even had sex with her, or if he even knows what it is. 

Read the whole story here.

Pool Shark Pup

This kid is either going to be the coolest kid ever, or he's going to hit puberty as a full on con-artist. You decide.

Holler at ya boy

Editors at Colbert Report, I bow to you. This is some really great editing. (even though I think Michael Steele is a tool) 

Why?

Since I watch alot of daytime tv, I saw a commercial for one of the most confusing things I have seen in a long time: Disney Farm Fresh Eggs. WTF?! I don't get it. They are regular eggs with little disney stamps on them. I tried to find out how much they cost, but I couldn't find anything online. I'm going to look for them in grocery stores, because my guess is that there is a hefty mark up for the tarded little rubber stamp. 

Here is a tip. If you need to get Disney eggs to get your kids to eat, why not buy a rubber stamp for two bucks and stamp your own damn eggs. 

The commercial shows the egg in a perfect mickey head shape. Yeah right. First, I doubt that the mould comes with the eggs, and second I doubt that it works. Stupid ploy, but again, why not just buy your own cookie cutter or mould. There is no need to spend the money on this crap.

This is the dumbest product I've ever seen. Disney Farm Fresh Eggs: FAIL. 

Bush's Best Pick

Ha, this is great.

Boys or Girls?

I cannot figure out if these are very sexual young Filipino girls, or very gay young Filipino boys. either way, they are totally workin it! 

If It Were You In That Sandwich.....

Has anyone else seen this McDonald's commercial?

Apparently MickyD's has summoned the spirit of Quiznos Creature style humor and decided that their Filet-O-Fish is their most hilarious sandwich. Needless to say, I love it.

Attention Fans

Sad news. My application to the "Best Job In The World" was rejected. Apparently, even though it was timed precisely to be a few frames below :60, they claim that the runtime was 1:01. One second over the time limit. WTF!!

I know that this is a bunch of crap, and I'm not alone. They actually have a press release stating that there are a large number of people in my same situation. Everyone that was rejected did have the opportunity to edit it down and resubmit it, however I was informed that my application was rejected about 5 hours after the deadline. So I couldn't resubmit. 

How bad does that suck?!